No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
