I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
