Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
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