I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
