Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
