home. puking in laundry basket.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
