I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
