My friends, they love my intelligence
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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