I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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