Don't make out with my wife yet
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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