do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
