You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
