shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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