I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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