as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
