I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
