just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
