who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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