On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
