the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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