Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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