There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
