i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
