I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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