Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
