Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
