i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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