I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
