dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
