i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
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I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
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We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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