thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
