I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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