hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize