No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
