I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
