Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
