thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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