I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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