Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
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Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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