dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
