Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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