so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
