I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
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I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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