Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
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The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
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I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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