Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you made out with another girl for some wings
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
