So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
