I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
