1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
