Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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