When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
