Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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