Fine. I'll sleep in my office
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
