I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
