I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
